By Willings Lee Duped
Pineville Press National Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C., February 3 -- President Donald J. Trump today announced he will campaign in blackface make-up during the 2026 midterm elections.
"I think campaigning in blackface will show me at my very best for those who still doubt I am the best president ever for minorities who have always stolen elections from me," the president said. "I usually wear orange make-up to show I am the best candidate for places like Florida, but I think if I campaign in blackface people all over the country will recognize me for what I am. I am the most authentic president of all time, and my blackface make-up will prove it. I also plan to dye my hair black and wear an Afro haircut, which will further prove my authenticity."
Asked if he thought real African-Americans might be offended by his new make-up, the president had a ready answer.
"What makes an African-American real?" he said. "Just because they were enslaved for hundreds of years in this country, does that make them real African-Americans? No, I am the most authentic African-American of all time. Once you see me in blackface and an Afro, you will realize that."
The president also said he had to be free to change the color of his face to fit the circumstances of his presidency.
"For example," Mr. Trump went on, "I might paint my face green once we invade Greenland. All the people in Greenland have green faces. Did you know that? If I go in there with a green face, and all my beautiful Marines going in with me have green faces, we will confuse the Greenlanders and they might be fooled into not shooting us. Greenland people love their green faces, you know. So sometimes I'll be in blackface and sometimes I'll be in greenface. Like Christmas, green goes good with red."
"Mr. President, Mr. President, Mr. President," this correspondent called out, hoping our multi-colored chameleon of a leader would call on me.
"Yes, you. The one who smells like pine cones. What is your question?"
"Mr. President, I am from the Pineville Press. Sir, you have mentioned we might invade Iceland, too. Or is that a mistake? Did you mean Greenland when you said Iceland?"
"I love the smell of pine cones."
"What color will your face be when we invade Iceland?"
"We already have that color with our troops in Minnesota. It's clear. The troops in Minnesota have ICE faces, if you could see them when they remove their masks. I don't know yet if I will have them wear masks or not when we invade Iceland. Iceland people love clear icy faces, so when we invade them we will have clear, cold, icy faces so that they don't get confused why we're there. We're there for the ice, which I love in my ice tea."
The president went on to explain that when we invaded Venezuela to kidnap their leader Nicolaus Maduro we had our troops slaver themselves with crude oil so the Venezuelans would know why we were there.
"The Venezuelans are very greasy people," the leader of the free world said. "They eat, drink and sleep in oil. As soon as they saw we were greasy, too, they let us take their leader, who was sleeping without his oil on, without a shot being fired. We used a new weapon called the Discombobulater, which spews oil all over everyone to make them submit and not eat tacos. I was covered in oil that night we took Maduro. Even Melania got greasy that night, too. I had never seen her more beautiful."
Informed that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People had immediately filed a lawsuit to prevent Mr. Trump from campaigning in blackface, the president grew angry. The NCAA said Mr. Trump wearing blackface was the height of hypocrisy, highly offensive and a civil rights violation.
"The NCAA is the most racist organization in the world, or even the solar system, which has the most terrible racists in the universe," Mr. Trump said, unknowingly glowing red. "I can be whatever color I want. It's called diversity. As you can see, I see now I have turned red, which means I will probably invade the Indian reservations. When I am red, they'll think I'm one of them and won't be offended when I steal what little land they have left for oil exploitation."
This correspondent asked if there was one color he would never become to make sure his desires for election glory, oil, and adolescents are met.
"Yes, I would never become blue," he answered. "Blue is the color of communist socialist fascists, so I would never stoop so low as to paint myself blue. In fact, I have instructed Attorney General Pam "Blondie" Bondi to remove the color blue from all rainbows in this country until that time I decide to invade the rainbows. Rainbows must never show their faces in our beautiful America again if they have any blue in them. America is a place of many colors, and I'll usurp all of them for my face if I need to, except for blue. Blue people are such stupid losers they sometimes tell the truth, and we can't have that in our wonderful country, so I'll paint my face black, just to be sure we never see free and fair and blue again in our elections."
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Willings Lee Duped, an Alabama native, is The Pineville Press' new national correspondent. He covers Washington politics for this famous newspaper, especially the White House. He is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he learned to bake up a mean meat pie. This is his first job in journalism. He is 87 years young.
