By Willings Lee Duped
Pineville Press National Correspondent
Washington, D.C., March 5, 2026 - After admitting he plans a nuclear strike against Iran, United States President Donald J. Trump today confirmed he also plans an insurrection against Jesus in Heaven should the strike fail and he is denied entrance into a life of eternal bliss.
The president made the confirmations as he was preparing to launch nuclear-tipped missiles against Iran at the behest of Jesus "to finish off the infidels once and for all."
"Everybody knows that our war against Iran will be lost if we don't blow the bad people to smithereens," Trump said. "If I ever die, everybody says I won't get to Heaven if I don't kill enough school children. Jesus says it. I've done my best to support him and school shootings here in the United States with our sacred Second Amendment, but now Jesus also requires I kill school children in Iran. I figure I'll just nuke the whole country and get it over with. Jesus can never get enough dead kids, he says."
As of this writing, 187 school girls had been killed in Iran due to Trump's bombings, according to sources.
"It's not enough, Jesus said to me," Trump claimed. "I told him it was more than just 187, but he wouldn't listen. He just scoffed at me. Jesus scoffed at me! The nerve of him."
Trump also claimed he had been in personal communication with Jesus since creation, which Trump assisted, and that the Divine Light then had demanded he murder more youngsters to assure his place in Heaven. It's all part of God's plan, Trump claimed, and it came form Jesus in the form of a threat to the president.
"Jesus loves young girls just as much as I do," the president said. "He told me Epstein has gotten into Heaven. I knew that. I saw him there last time I visited. So if Epstein got into Heaven, why not me? Between us, we sent many young girls to Heaven."
The Pineville Press could not confirm that Jeffrey Epstein had been admitted into Divine Grace, but considering his privileged position with underaged girls on Earth, it seems likely.
"But this is crap," Trump said. "All of them? How am I supposed to kill all the school children in Iran with conventional weapons? I wanted to save our nuclear weapons for other school children all over the Earth, and now Jesus says I have to kill every school child in Iran? I'll listen to Jesus for now, but if He tries to deny me access to Paradise after this, there's going to Hell to pay for Him. We will have another January 6 in Heaven if I die and am sent to the bad place. The Supreme Court has said I can do anything I want in Heaven and on Earth, so Jesus better watch out. We're all a little sick of Jesus telling me what to do by now."
Efforts by this reporter to contact Jesus for confirmation of his desire to have Iranian school children killed have failed. He was said to be playing golf with Vladimir Putin and could not be disturbed.
"Yeah, I heard that, too," Trump said. "I heard that Jesus was playing golf with Putin a lot. It pisses me off. It means Putin might be getting into Heaven before me for killing all those children in Ukraine. It's not fair to me. I tell you, Jesus better watch out or he'll be next. I love Jesus, but He loves Putin more."
Trump said that the nuclear bombing of Iran would begin within days. The insurrection against Jesus was already in the works, he said.
"I have been a good Christian, especially with all the little girls of the world, and this is what I get?" the president asked. "It's not fair to me. You all know I've been good, better than everybody else, and you all approve of me. I know you do. Everybody does. I'm a good Christian. I'm worried about Jesus being a good Christian, though, He might he a Republican in name only, you know a RINO. Or Jesus could be a bird, too, some sort of hawk or something. He looks like a hawk. Lord, you are asking a lot of me, but I will do my best to deliver the little children unto you in fire and light. I will get into Heaven by killing children, or there will be Hell to pay for Jesus. I'm doing everything He wants."
The Pineville Press attempted to contact God for confirmation of Trump's claims about God's son, but God appears to have absented Himself in these matters.
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