The Pineville Press
Pineville is not a place, but an unstable state of mine
Trump opts in for more assassinations
Citing the successes of the recent assassination attempts against him, former president Donald J. Trump has called for more attempts on his life.
"Every time I get shot at, my poll numbers go up," Mr. Trump said. "I can't really feel I'm having a good day politically if I don't have bullets whizzing around my head. Bullets are more essential to my well-being than sunshine, which I never liked anyway. Sunshine is the worst. Bullets are the best. There has never been anything as good as bullets. So keep the assassination attempts coming."
Asked if he didn't feel his life might be in danger while he is being shot at, Mr. Trump simply laughed,
"Bullets harm me? You've got to be kidding," he said. "I've had Kamala Harris tossing rhetorical word-bombs at me during our debate, and I survived them. Now they were dangerous. The only thing I have to fear is truth itself, which always comes out when she talks about me. I'll never debate her again."
Both assassination attempts against him have failed to kill him, Mr. Trump noted, and said there was a reason for that.
"God is guiding the hands of my would-be killers, and God is so old his vision is weak and he has weak hands," Mr. Trump claimed. "God needs new glasses and some sessions in the gym. One of my assassins was young and one was old, but the young one wore spectacles but the the old one didn't. Why not? Because they knew God was with me without his spectacles, so it was no use to try to shoot me. God just flicked the bullets aside like they were flies, which he is good at. Flies are good, they say, because they clean up shit and they're always around me. I like flies. God practices on them for swatting bullets away. I like having flies at my assassin attempts."
Mr. Trump also pointed out that his first young assassin was killed, while his second, older assassin drove off when the Secret Service fired at him. He was captured.
"Why didn't the young one drive away?" Mr. Trump asked. "Because he was on a roof. He knew if he drove his car off the roof, he would hit the ground, so his second assassin lay on the ground to shoot at me and then drove off. The second one learned from the first one. I don't know why God let him drive off, but they got him, and my poll numbers went up, they got both of them. I love it when my poll numbers go up, so keep on firing. Maybe I'll make that my new campaign slogan. KEEP ON FIRING!"
When it was pointed out to him that both his assassins were private citizens and a professional hit-man might have better luck in killing him, he scoffed.
"That doesn't matter," he said. "I've had professional hit-men shooting at me since I was born. My parents hired them. Even when I was a baby they were shooting at me. Nobody had any luck, except my mother, who once put a bullet in my brain when I was a toddler of twelve. She said I was babbling, always babbling, and she couldn't stand it any longer, so she shot me in the head, or so I'm told. It didn't hurt a bit. I don't feel a thing in my head, and I never have. So, you see, I'm not afraid."
Mr. Trump said that at his next campaign event he was going to dress only in a loin-cloth in honor of Native Americans. He said he'll paint colorful targets on both his chest and back.
"I'll let them try to shoot me on both sides, both sides, although I prefer to be shot in the back, so that I don't have to see it," Mr. Trump said. "That'll be me at my next campaign event. I'll wear only a loin-cloth with targets on me, although I will still wear my famous black shoes and socks. I have to wear both because there is so much horse manure at my rallies and I only like flinging it, not stepping in it."
Mr. Trump said he plans on making himself an honorable member of every Native American tribe in the country in the hope that he can garner their votes in the upcoming presidential election.
"I don't much like getting tomahawks thrown at me, so I have to say how much I love red-men all over the world, although I think it's a mistake the colonial people didn't kill them all off, although they tried," he said. "They tried hard but the Indians are still here to throw tomahawks at me because the colonial people were kind to them and didn't kill they all off. I hope the Indians don't throw tomahawks at me, unless that makes more of them vote for me. I guess it would be all all right then."
Mr. Trump went on to say that there were always hordes of weasels nipping at his ankles at his campaign rallies and that was another reason he wore socks and shoes.
"Weasels are bad," he said. "You never know where a weasel is going to bite you next."
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