Guest Editorial
By Senator I.M. Korni
As one of two senators of the great state of Iowa, I join today with my colleague and fellow senator from Iowa, I.B. Horni, to announce to the American people that Donald J. Trump will resign tomorrow from his office as President of the United States.
It is with great remorse and regret that Senator Horni and I announce the president's decision. This announcement has nothing to do with the fact that I, Senator Korni, and he, Senator Horni, are mentioned in the Epstein files 467 times.
Senator Horni and I convinced the president that there is nothing like a good, old-fashioned sex scandal to bring down a powerful figure, and that this scandal could destroy the Republican Party if not dealt with immediately. President Trump agreed with us, after weeks of negotiation, that the Epstein files are a scandal that he can not recover from, and conceded that it would be best for the country if he no longer holds the office of president.
We noted to the president that he has been able to get away with any of his many criminal acts before this to console him, but we explained that the Farmers' Daughters Association of Iowa, a very powerful lobbying group, threatened to skin Senator Horni and I alive if we did not convince him to resign.
What sadness for a life of crime to end in such a manner.
"Even though I agree with you that I have to go, I still don't get it," the president said. "I'm mentioned in the Epstein files 38,000 times, at present count. Is that enough? How can anybody even count that high? I know I can't. I mean, I remember Bill Clinton was impeached for his one affair with Monica Lewinsky, but I did things 38,000 times worse than him, and that's just not enough to remove me, the greatest president ever, from office. It just doesn't seem fair."
The president will resign at noon tomorrow.
President Trump originally agreed to resign at 6 p.m. this evening but after checking his schedule pointed out to us that he has an "oral engagement" at The Petty School for Elementary School Children with the sixth grade class.
That engagement is scheduled for midnight tonight. Although he promised to recount to the public his engagement with the girls on Truth Social, he said he might be too tired afterward to resign beforehand at at 6 p.m.
We concurred that it made perfect sense for him to delay his resignation until noon tomorrow because he might be tired from his appointment with the little girls after the originally scheduled time for leaving office. After all, he has spent his life committing crimes, he said, and what did it matter if he delayed resigning for one more day after engaging in several more?
"I'd hate to disappoint the girls about their date with the president, me," he said. "I'll explain to them that I'll be too tired after midnight to resign at 6 p.m. of the previous evening. I know they'll cry afterwards, but all those Epstein piggy pigs have been crying for years and I've never done anything about it. They can just grow up and get abortions. They have to learn when it's timely to withdraw. Until now, I never did."
Senator Horni and I informed the president that it was with great regret that we urged him to take this action. We told him that 2 percent of the American people believed that he had never engaged in any wrongful activity, but they knew Jesus was on his side as he was engaged in his trifling crimes and therefore they were on his side, too, and will look the other way. After all, they were good Christians.
"This big, beautiful Epstein mess could go on for years," the president said. "Imagine what that would do to the county. They wouldn't be able anymore to see me play golf, or fart in public or tell everyone how I was making the country great by accepting bribes and stealing billions. Maybe the girls of Petty elementary can convince them, after I have a go at them, to let me stay. Or maybe they should just keep their mouths shut, except when I'm around."
Attorney General Pam Bondage strenuously disagreed with the president that he should resign, saying she would happily satisfy any need he had while in office and that should be enough to keep him there. She got down on her knees begging him to stay in office for her sake.
"Well, we'll always have Epstein," the president responded. "Pam, you and I can think back and laugh about all the good times we had redacting files and denying the obvious. Don't worry. The American people are so stupid they'll elect me a third time in 2028, and then we can find other elementary schools to visit once we're back in office again, just you and me."
That brightened the mood considerably for us in this grave matter.
Ms. Bondage and the president retired to his office for official business unrelated to his upcoming resignation.
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Editorial Note: The information and opinions expressed in this guest editorial are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions or facts developed or discovered by The Pineville Press. Remember, Pineville is not a place but an unstable state of mind. Here only opinions matter and facts be damned.
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